How can I ever know?

May 29, 2013 Posted by Trisha

It is so hard for me to blindly believe. Anything anyone says to me at any time could just be crap. How could I possibly take that risk again? Sure, I have again and again and again and again and again and again. And dozens of more agains. I am lousy with agains. Granted, most of the time, folks have been borne out to be relatively honest. Honest enough about important things that I felt safe and comfortable. But, like I said, at any time anyone can lie. And people lie to protect themselves from an infinite number of things. And once the lie is out there, the rest of the time is spent covering it up should it ever be conversation fodder. Honestly, my entire life was a lie at one time, for a long time. For decades. I was sexually anused in my own home and it was not acknowledged, it didn’t exist. The me who was molested didn’t exist. Plus, we had a highly codependent alcoholic family who had to always seem to not be a highly codependent alcoholic family. That takes work. So, not only did the molested me not exist, but also the alcoholic household member me did not exist. The real victim was the me who existed before everything happened. Before the abuse, before the decision to look like a normal, happy family was made. No wonder I haven’t a clue who I am in my core. Or maybe I do know, but the thousands of amalgams of the different mes get in my way of just being me. Any me. Any one me.

Lately, I have had to choose between my intuition and humans. I am much less inclined to believe humans, as it turns out. I was not always this way. In fact, I believed humans 100% of the time for as long as I can remember. Which isn’t as impressive as it sounds; I barely remember yesterday. But still, I know I used to believe the humans. Until I didn’t. And I still struggle. It is so easy to just make something up. To hide. To cover unseemly truths. To protect. To protect a name or a reputation or the image someone has of you. Or just for fun. Or to make yourself look better. Seem better. Feel better. Lying can just be better for you. Better. You may think there are things someone just doesn’t need to know. None of their business. And that is true. The tricky part comes if, later, it somehow does become their business but the lie is put there. What do you do then? ‘Fess up to the early, none-of-your-business lie, which opens you up to the now-I-know-you-and-can’t-walk-this-back lie without presenting the first lie? I don’t know.

I, myself, can be sneaky. It’s true. And I am very good at it. I can lie through omission to one person in my life at any given time. And I have. And I will again. But this is someone from the first paragraph, so the psychology of this ability of mine isn’t readily accessible to me, and I will need the help of a trained professional to suss out what this means. I like to think I am honest. I am absolutely honest most of the time, as I am filterly-challenged. I tend to just say what I think right then and there, when and where I happen to be, no matter with whom I am speaking. No matter whom I am talking with. I just say stuff. Which, may seem honest. But, saying shit off the top of my head without considering all the angles or dimensions of the subject doesn’t always end up with truth. Just a hasty first impression. I know there are things in my life that I don’t tell people under the none-of-their-business clause of living life. But I believe that these things are the business of no one but me. And there are things I will tell certain people but not others. And there is an occasional lapse of memory that may make me recall something in a better light than was there at the time. Like grades on exams or somesuch. But I don’t think faulty recall is a bad thing. It happens. I think it is harmless.

All that really matters to me about lying is the intent. Intent to deceive because harm is being caused is bad, bad. Protecting someone from something that really doesn’t need to be involved, not so much. A lie made in a spur of the moment to not complicate things later is a pussy lie, but one that can easily be fixed. Not really bad. Just lame. I don’t know. I don’t think lying is always bad. It can be necessary, helpful. And of course, it can destroy someone’s sense of safety, possibly forever. It can give, it can steal. Lying certainly tells us things about ourselves, on both sides of it. We learn where we are weak, where we are mean, where we are cowardly, where we make mistakes, where we are strong, decisive, disconnected, confused. We are all in progress. All of our mes. We all try. We all fail. We all try again. We lie. We are lied to. How can we know? Is it worth blindly trusting? Is it worth a second chance? I guess I have to take the chance to be alive. And I do believe in second chances. For all of us. For all of the mes everywhere.

One Response to How can I ever know?

  1. Sarah says:

    I hope you keep writing, keep thinking, keep sussing things out.

    As to how we can know… we cannot. We can only pretend to know, and pretend to know so well that we even fool ourselves. Otherwise we walk around scrutinizing everyone and every action. It all falls under suspicion. This is no way to live. It’s better to try and fail and try again.

    I love the term “filterly-challenged”. That’s me, too. <3

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